Monday, April 16, 2012

Game of Thrones: What Is Dead May Never Die

Watching these men fight over the crown is like watching a bunch of fat kids trying to get at the candy knocked out of a pinata.  Interested?  Then get ready for Game of Thrones!

Out beyond the wall, Jon is being super naive.  Do you really think you're the first person to go, "Hey, this wildling has a shit ton of daughters and no sons.  What a strange coincidence."  Obviously the higher-ups know he does something to them, but they need him on their side.  Use your head. 

It's OK Jon...I still love you.

Meanwhile, Tyrion is playing mind games with literally everyone in King's Landing.  He tells Lord Varys, Littlefinger, and the Old Council Guy that he wants to marry off Myrcella, only he tells each of them a different potential suitor.  He warns them all not to tell the Queen, and then waits to see which of them are trustworthy and which are in the Queen's pocket.

Tyrion you were born to be the King's Hand ok???

I really like the bit when Cersei comes after him, claws out, for wanting to send her daughter away.  She isn't my favorite character, but for me she's at her best when she's trying to protect her kids, because besides Jaime they're the only people she legitimately cares for.

Also in King's Landing: Shae has been assigned to be the new handmaiden of Sansa, who continues to be the Queen's bitch.  I am super excited to see where this goes, because I'm a big fan of Shae and want to see her help Sansa break out from her timid ladylike little shell.  I honestly don't know how that poor girl hasn't cracked yet.

Cut to Renly, who has married Anne Boleyn from The Tudors (who apparently skulks around HBO waiting for a new period drama to be cast in), and is having some...performance issues.  His wife is actually ridiculously tolerant, suggesting that they bring in her brother (the Knight of the Flowers, his lover) to help get him warmed up.  Why do none of these people have functioning, non-sexual relationships with their siblings????  Also, he brings on Brienne, a female warrior, to be the newest member of his Kingsguard.

WHAT?  Chicks can't fight!  She wants to be in the Kingsguard?  No!  What's going to happen when they need to change?  Are they going to have separate locker rooms?  And when she's on her period, they're going to get attacked by bears.  They can smell the menstruation!  OK, I'm done.  Seriously, though...the woman's a tank.  Good on Renly for giving her a chance.

Also, surprise surprise, the Greyjoys are plotting to take over the North again.  Look, anyone who knows anything about Russian history will tell you people it's not going to be so easy to attack and hold the North.  There's a reason why the first rule on page 1 of the book of war is Do Not March on Moscow.  In a lot of ways, the North is to Westeros as Russia is to Europe.  But screw conventional military wisdom, Theon just has to win back the affection of the man who gave him up (at the expense of everyone he's cared about for the last 15 years or so). Boo.

The soldiers from King's Landing have tracked down the ragtag group travelling to the Wall, still trying to find Robert's bastard, Gendry.  Yoren is a badass, and does his best to take out as many of the soldiers as he can, but sadly, the head soldier kills him.  Fare thee well, Yoren.  We hardly knew ye.

They also kill a blond teenage boy who was wounded and therefore unable to travel.  Arya, always the cleverest person in any room ever, seizes her chance and tells them that the dead boy is Gendry, thus temporarily getting the heat off her friend.  No doubt a few episodes from now it'll come up that the boy was blond and the Lannisters will be like HUH?  IMPOSSIBLE!  But for now he's safe.

So in conclusion, out of the myriad of plots that are going on:

Arya + Gendry: I love them on their journey, and can't wait to see what happens.

Tyrion + King's Landing:  Peter Dinklage continues to dominate every single scene he's in, and he really is the perfect person to be the King's Hand.  I feel like he's got a better moral compass than a lot of other people on the show, but he's also willing to be pragmatic and recognize grey areas.  I can't wait to see what else he does in King's Landing, and if he's able to keep Joffrey in line.

Theon + The Greyjoys:  That sounds like a band.  Anyway, I'm not the hugest fan of this.  I think the Greyjoys are making a big tactical mistake, and I don't like that Theon is willing to betray his friends that easily.  Unless he's not, I don't know, I haven't read the books all the way through yet.  Also, his sister is annoying.

Renly + Company:  Awww, I like him.  If I had to pick him and Anne Boleyn or Stannis and his Red Priestess, I go with Renly every time.

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